Noah lived in the world today .......
And the Lord spoke to Noah
and said, " In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with
water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and
two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to
build an Ark". In a flash of lightening, God delivered trembling, Noah took the
plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You
must complete the ark and bring everything abroad in one year".
Exactly one-year later,
fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah", He shouted, "Where is Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive
me!", cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the
codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into
a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed fire sprinkler system and floatation
devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning
Then I had problems getting
enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted
Owl. I finally convinced the Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no
The carpenters formed a
union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National
Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16
carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up
the other animals, an animal right group sued me. They objected to me only taking
two of each kind abroad.
Just when I got the suit
dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly
to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent
them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to
resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people abroad. The tax department
seized my assets, claiming that I am building the Ark in preparation to flee the country
to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the Government that I owe them some
kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft".
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious
event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish Ark for another
five or six years", Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine
and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up
hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?".
"NO!!", said the Lord sadly, "I don't have to, the government already